


Things I'm Not Allowed To Do In The Vanguard

by yennyfromthewritersblock



Category: Destiny (Video Games)
Genre: Gen, Kinderguardians (Destiny), Other, Skippy's List, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Why Did I Write This?, i can't believe people still write these, my guardian is absolutely this much of a dumbass
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-15
Updated: 2019-11-15
Packaged: 2021-01-31 00:00:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21436834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yennyfromthewritersblock/pseuds/yennyfromthewritersblock
Summary: Some Guardians have an incredible heroic intuition. Others need a little bit more guidance on what the Vanguard does and does not allow.  (List in the style of Skippy's List/Things I Am Not Allowed To Do in X fandom lists. Do people still write these? Too late.)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 20





	1. 1 - 100

## THINGS I AM NOT ALLOWED TO DO AS A GUARDIAN 

****

**AN ONGOING LIST PRESENTED IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER**

****

  
**EXCEPT AS IT OCCURS TO MY SUPERIORS AND FELLOW GUARDIANS**

  
**Recorded by Pepper Star-Anise, Stormcaller**

  1. I will not play “Baby Shark” nor “Barracuda” from my ship when approaching any Landing Zones on Titan.   
  

  2. I will stop referring to inmates in the Prison of Elders as “24601”.   
  

  3. I am to stop giving the Ahamkara nicknames.  
  

  4. Especially if their nicknames include, but are not limited to: Drogon, Viserion, Rhaegal, Smaug, Puff, Alduin, Falkor, Norbert, Spyro, or Toothless.  
  

  5. I will stop telling newly-revived Warlocks that “yer’ a wizard”.   
  

  6. I will stop attempting to get the maintenance frames in the tower to clean my personal living quarters with the phrase “O sweeperbots mine”.  
  

  7. I do not need to shout “It’s Britney, bitch” everytime I invade the enemy playing field during a Gambit match.   
  

  8. “Little Oryx” is not a compliment, no matter how many times Drifter calls me that.  
  

  9. I will not go on six-month long scavenging missions on Earth just to find Hot Cheetos.  
  

  10. I may not attempt to “rehabilitate” the Fallen by teaching them Shakespeare.  
  

  11. Do not call Ikora Rey “mom”  
  

  12. Do not call the Traveler “the round boi”.   
  

  13. Devrim Kay’s official military titles do not include “Supreme Daddy”.  
  

  14. Do not eat candy in a Crucible match queue, unless I brought enough for everybody.  
  

  15. Do not eat candy in a Crucible match queue, even if I did bring enough for everybody.  
  

  16. My ghost is no longer obligated to rez me if I choke on candy mid-Crucible match.  
  

  17. Passing off high-strength laxatives as candy before a Crucible match does not count as a victory.  
  

  18. I may not use the following words and phrases in clan names or slogans: Clanny McClanFace, Ghaul Groupies, I hate everyone in this clan and wish they were dead, YEET, Queen Mara’s Leather Pants, There Are Totally No Dredgens In This Clan, or any references to Vex Milk.   
  

  19. Cabal formations are not to be referred to as “a swarm of feral hogs”   
  

  20. I am to stop speculation on the Vanguardnet as to whether Cayde-6 “fucks”  
  

  21. I will not get Amanda Holliday drunk and ask her about Cayde's "vibrate mode"  
  

  22. I am not allowed to put up Wet Paint signs around the tower in an attempt to distract Commander Zavala.  
  

  23. I will not take the limbs of slain Hive, dip them in chocolate, and attempt to sell them as a delicacy.  
  

  24. Emperor Callus, his minions, or any representative holograms, statues, or robotic stand-ins for him are henceforth not to be addressed as “my dude”.  
  

  25. I will not pretend to be from a glitching simulation when speaking to Osiris.  
  

  26. I will stop trying to set up my Ghost and Failsafe on a date.  
  

  27. I will not teach other Guardians to curse in Eliksni under the guise of teaching them useful phrases.  
  

  28. I can not, and shall stop attempting to, speak Warmind.  
  

  29. I will not use the Vex’s time travel technology to attempt any of the following: Obtain tickets to see _Hamilton_, Kill Baby Hitler, Kill the parents of people I don't like to prevent their birth, Go to war in Vietnam and then open a seafood restaurant with my comrades, Spoil the ending to any popular films, books, or television programs to unsuspecting earth people (Especially Game of Thrones - if they know ahead it will just make it worse), or Find my Ghost before they revive me and instruct them to quit while they're ahead, therefore nullifying my own existence as a Guardian, even though I was revived and able to travel back in time in the first place, unless...actually, never mind.  
  

  30. I will not refer to Prince Uldren Sov of the Reef as “a fuckboy”, even if it’s true.  
  

  31. “Moon’s haunted” is not a sufficient mission debriefing.   
  

  32. “Stick my leggy out real far” is not a sound strategy against enemy forces.  
  

  33. Neither is “killing them with kindness”.  
  

  34. Renaming a Rocket Launcher to be called “Kindness” does not count.  
  

  35. I will not include crayons in post-strike rewards for Titans.  
  

  36. Please stop trying to eat Engrams, they are not made of chocolate.  
  

  37. Nova Bomb is not an acceptable substitute for a ball in soccer matches on The Farm.  
  

  38. Lord Saladin will no longer be referred to as "Salad Bowl".  
  

  39. As an Awoken, telling people that “I blue myself” was only funny the first time.  
  

  40. I will stop referring to Zavala as "Doctor Manhattan".  
  

  41. or "The Genie"  
  

  42. A year's supply of hair care products for Ikora, Zavala and Cayde is probably not an ideal Dawning Day gift.  
  

  43. "Arcstrider" is not spelled "OP AF"  
  

  44. Reenacting pre-collapse earth films for the purposes of cultural preservation is not a current Vanguard priority.  
  

  45. Even if it's _Roadhouse_.   
  

  46. Especially if it's _Roadhouse_.  
  

  47. To the Vanguard’s best knowledge, the film _Roadhouse_ did not consist of Patrick Swayze hitting people with Nova Bombs whilst screaming the word “Roadhouse”.  
  

  48. Neither did _Gone with the Wind._  
  

  49. I cannot dodge bullets by doing a "Naruto run".  
  

  50. Dawnblade is not intended to be used to exterminate ants.   
  

  51. I will not enter Crucible rumble matches and try to start a "twerk team" with my opponents.  
  

  52. Even if Lord Shaxx approves of the idea.  
  

  53. Back pain as a result of "carrying my entire goddamn Gambit team" is not a legitimate medical diagnosis.   
  

  54. I do not need to shout "Let’s McFreaking Lose It" before using my Super attack.  
  

  55. I will stop telling Hive Ogres to "get out of my swamp".  
  

  56. Rasputin does not need a hug.  
  

  57. I will stop asking Ana Bray if she wants to build a snowman.   
  

  58. Mars Hive are not “frozen dinners”.  
  

  59. All Weapons of Sorrow are to be relinquished to the Vanguard for safekeeping. They are not paperweights.  
  

  60. I will stop pretending to be deaf whenever I am within 10 feet of Lord Shaxx.  
  

  61. Playing the "eye spy" game with Eris Morn is not funny.  
  

  62. I will not challenge Asher Mir to arm wrestling.  
  

  63. I will stop claiming that the official warlock colours mean they are covered in bees. It confuses the Titans and it is not funny.  
  

  64. I will not pile the redjacks under a trenchcoat and claim they are a new Guardian named Guy Titanman.  
  

  65. I will not call Shaxx “Big McLargehuge”.  
  

  66. As an Awoken, I will not tell other Guardians fabricated details about my past life, such as claiming that I was Queen Mara’s personal hairdresser, or that I was in charge of the Reef’s interpretive dance club.  
  

  67. I will not ask Petra Venj if she wants a peg leg and a parrot.  
  

  68. I am to stop “borrowing” the cat statues around the Dreaming City in order to reenact the musical _Cats_.  
  

  69. The Tower does not need a drama club, nor is doing an all-Exo production of _Showgirls_ appropriate.  
  

  70. “Spring Time for Oryx” is not an acceptable suggestion, either.  
  

  71. As is Hamlet, and I may not involve the Ahamkara skulls.  
  

  72. Peter Pan is right out, even if a Warlock's jump can approximate flight.  
  

  73. I will not declare “I am the night” when using Void abilities.  
  

  74. I will not create and sell unauthorized Vanguard merchandise, even if my “Dredgen Yor Is A Punk-Ass Bitch” t-shirts came from a place of good intentions.   
  

  75. Running a gambling ring where I goad Hunters into betting their exotic hand cannons is mean and unnecessary, not “a good way to teach those punks a lesson”.   
  

  76. I will stop telling Hunters and Titans that Warlocks are prettier than they are, even if it is true.  
  

  77. I do not have a girlfriend who lives in Canada, or the Ascendant Realm.  
  

  78. The Cryptarch’s Bestiary is not a “boyfriend catalogue”.  
  

  79. Take that hat off.   
  

  80. I will not do a barrel roll on my Sparrow.  
  

  81. Amanda will not build me a robot unicorn sparrow, no matter how nicely I ask her.   
  

  82. I will stop telling the cryptarchs that the lyrics to old Earth songs are the text of ancient prophecies, especially the Space Jam song.  
  

  83. "Yeet me into a hole and hit that dab" is not an accepted funerary rite in the event of my permadeath.  
  

  84. Just because I can name myself “Seymour Butz” as a guardian does not mean I should. Or Captain Obvious.  
  

  85. I will not use my Exo squadmate's antennas in order to get a better Wi-Fi signal  
  

  86. I will stop adopting stray black cats and naming them "The Void"  
  

  87. Bringing a Ouija board to the Earth's moon is distasteful.   
  

  88. I will stop declaring that "grandma loves me best" when Eva visits.  
  

  89. The Tower residents do not need a Defenestrating 101 hands-on workshop.  
  

  90. I will stop referring to the Hunter Vanguards as “canaries in coal mines”.   
  

  91. Warlocks do not weigh the same as a duck.  
  

  92. There is no Annual Talk Like Shaxx Day, and I should not attempt to start one.  
  

  93. I am not allowed to teach new Guardians the Thriller dance claiming it is a tradition.  
  

  94. Patrol routes are for patrols, not sparrow races.  
  

  95. I will not play the “Ghostbusters” theme song from my ship while landing on Luna.  
  

  96. “Moon Prism Power” is not a Warlock ability.  
  

  97. Neither is “Pinball Wizard”  
  

  98. It is unwise to sneak up on Hive and attempt to wrestle them while imitating an Australian accent.  
  

  99. I am not an honorary Titan.  
  

  100. I may not play The Time Warp from my ship when landing in the Dreaming City, even if it is during curse week.


	2. 101 - 200

101\. I will not allocate Last City resources to redecorate the Tower to resemble Hogwarts.  
  
102\. Nor will I try to ‘sort’ the Guardians  
  
103\. I will stop saying “ten points from Gryffindor” to Titans that annoy me.  
  
104\. I will stop calling non-Guardians in the Last City “muggles”

105\. Guardians do not require mandatory nap time.

106\. I will not add “according to the prophecy” to the end of everything when Ikora asks me a question.

107\. Doing the “bucket over the door” prank with Vex fluid instead of water is frowned upon.

108\. I may not commission Amanda to build me a ship in the shape of a blue police box, or a light blue Ford Anglia. A DeLorean is right out.

109\. I will not give Zavala a drag queen makeover.

110\. I will not teach Hive Knights to say “Ni”

111\. I will not sing “Darkness, no parents” when reviewing footage of Oryx.

112\. Using the Black Garden to grow mind-altering substances from Earth is not allowed.

113\. The Colonel is not a “snack”. 

114\. Ikora is not, nor was she ever, a member of the Dora Milaje.

115\. I will stop asking Ikora and Cayde if they have any knowledge of a ship named “Serenity”.

116\. I do not need to ask Cayde how tight his pants are.

117\. I will not call Amanda “Kaylee”.

118\. I will stop summoning the giant Traveller bouncy ball and placing it in front of Lord Saladin’s podium.

119\. There is not a pot of gold at the bottom of the tower if you jump, and it is wrong to tell new Guardians as such.

120\. “Finding out if Devrim Kay swings both ways, because damn daddy” is not an appropriate field research objective. 

121\. I should probably wait until I am at least out of line of sight before dismantling any weapons I receive from Banshee or Rahool, so as not to hurt their feelings.

122\. I may not take out life insurance on my fellow Guardians, and even if I were allowed, it would not be valid on Light-risen immortal beings anyway. 

123\. The Tower loudspeaker system is not the correct forum for practicing my beatboxing.

124\. I may not attempt to influence new Ghosts to revive long-dead celebrities to join our ranks. Even if it’s Mister Rogers. 

125\. Must stop moving Cayde’s Sparrow when he’s not looking. 

126\. I may not dodge questions during mission debriefings with the phrase “I am Groot”

127\. I may not attempt to neutralize the Ahamkara by wishing for them to stop granting wishes. 

128\. Must stop singing "Domo Arigato Mister Roboto" at Exos

129\. Suggesting that Ghosts pick more white men to be Warlocks "since they already can't jump" is not funny. 

130\. I will not initiate psychological warfare between the City factions for the purposes of getting better discounts on gear. 

131\. I will stop claiming I found out about the noodle bar "before Cayde made it cool".

132\. Driving a tank through the City's walls is dangerous and irresponsible, and not "improvised civil engineering"

133\. I must stop triple dog daring the Cabal into stealing the Light. 

134\. Polishing my hand cannon before a strike is okay. "Polishing my hand cannon" is not.

135\. Sending a Father's day card to Crota is not advisable.

136\. If it takes my Class Vanguard more than a minute to ponder the full impact of, I am not allowed to do it.

137\. There is no fourth Vanguard class named Gun, in which I am it's only member or founder. 

138\. Do not crawl under the robes of Callus' statue in the Tribute Hall claiming to be searching for hidden treasure.

139\. No disco music in the Mindlab. Especially not the Rasputin song.

140\. Even if I change the lyrics to "Braytech's Greatest War Machine"

141\. I will refrain from audibly yawning more than once when Brother Vance speaks to me.

142\. When asked to defeat enemies with Solar damage, giving them copies of my mixtape does not count.

143\. I do not need to pen a dissertation on why compound bows are for "sissies" and inferior to recurve bows, especially if I plan on leaving it anywhere frequented by Lord Shaxx, Banshee-44, or any Nightstalker-class Hunters.

144\. Sword Logic is a thing. Cotton Candy Logic is not, nor am I it's ruler.

145\. Using dismembered Fallen limbs to assault their comrades whilst repeating "Stop hitting yourself" is not appropriate during combat.

146\. I am not allowed to tell allied Fallen and Eliksni that the Traveller dumped them for us. 

147\. I may not cite an allergy to the Hive as a reason to refrain from mission deployment more than once. 

148\. Making sand angels in active combat zones on Mercury is a bad idea. 

149\. The Spider does not require bikini-clad dancing slaves and I may not volunteer to be one. 

150\. Hive thrall fighting pits are not the best way to raise morale among Guardians.

151\. It is a bad idea to tell Sloane that she takes herself too seriously. 

152\. It is a bad idea to tell Eris that she takes herself too seriously. 

153\. Whispers from armor made of Ahamkara bones cannot countermand any Vanguard orders.

154\. The proper way to report to my class vanguard is "sir/ma'am" and not "It was like that when I got here"

155\. Asking Shin Malphur "who's your daddy" is not appropriate. 

156\. Xur has not appeared in any hentai films and it is wrong to ask him as such. 

157\. I should not encourage the Ghosts to unionize.

158\. I will never attempt to correct Osiris about anything, ever.

159\. I will not pretend to be an agent of The Nine being possessed in order to get out of missions I don’t feel like doing.

160\. The Pyramids of Darkness are not to be called “the evil doritos”

161\. I may not use Toland as a ball in dodgeball games.

162\. I should not confess to war crimes that took place before my ghost first revived me.

163\. I will not train my Ghost to respond to the command “Alexa, play Despacito”

164\. Vanguard Dares are no longer allowed to involve live animals, any inflatable items, or duct tape.

165\. I will not refer to fighting Hive on Mars with my fireteam as “cracking open a cold one with the boys”

166\. Any similarities between the titles of “Dredgen” and “Darth” are purely coincidental and I will not imply otherwise.

167\. I will not repurpose my Ghost to act as a roomba.

168\. I will not send Asher love letters forged to look like they’re from Zavala.

169\. Titans do not need to go to the bathroom in pairs.

170\. Playing a trombone conjured from the light over the corpses of dead enemies, while funny, is unnecessary.

171\. There are no strange women living in the oceans of Titan distributing Swords as the basis for a system of government, and it is wrong to tell new Guardians this. 

172\. I will not ask the Hunter Vanguards "who died and left you in charge?"

173\. Do not ask Crota if the size of his sword is compensating for something. It will end badly.

174\. The saying "save a sparrow, ride a guardian" is not an accepted sign-off during Strike communications.

175\. No dancing naked in the tower courtyard. Especially the floss dance. 

176\. Trying to threaten any family member of Oryx with a can of Raid is a bad idea. 

177\. I will not ask the Vex if they have deployed "Cyberdyne Model 101" yet.

178\. "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves" is not an acceptable clan anthem.

179\. Must stop singing "Great Balls of Fire" at the Sunbreakers.

180\. Any questions posed by the Emissary during Reckoning are purely rhetorical, and I may not prove myself to The Nine by starting philosophical debate with her.

181\. Motes of Dark in Gambit have one purpose: to be banked. I will not repurpose them for arts and crafts. 

182\. Even if I did make a really cool-looking bird feeder.

183\. Building myself a pillow fort does not constitute as having my own throne world.

184\. Unless I am an Exo, I will not dedicate research resources into their sexual anatomy. This especially applies in conjunction with #69 on this list.

185\. I will not use the phrase "there can be only one" when wielding a sword.

186\. Or "Unlimited Blade Works" 

187\. I will also not pledge to protect anyone named Frodo.

188\. You know what, just don't use swords anymore. 

189\. I will not distract Asher by asking him to reenact any musical by Gilbert and Sullivan. 

190\. No one wants to see my new chainsaw and hockey mask.

191\. Trying to befriend the Moon phantoms is making my fellow Guardians uncomfortable, therefore I will stop.

192\. "Y'all here check this shit out" is not an acceptable battle cry. 

193\. The expiry dates on pre-collapse earth food are not "just guidelines", nor testable hypotheses.

194\. My ship does not have ludicrous speed nor does it need it.

195\. I may not use any tactics for negotiations, interrogation or combat that I saw on the Old Earth program _ 24 _.

196\. No, seriously. Put that towel down.

197\. I will not bring up the existence of the rubber ducks manufactured in the likeness of Eris Morn for any reason, including but not limited to entertainment and blackmail purposes.

198\. Bribing Shaxx with snacks during Crucible will not improve my score.

199\. I cannot copyright the phrase “Shaxx Snaxx” for any reason, chiefly because copyright law has not existed since The Collapse.

200\. This does not mean that I can un-freeze Walt Disney and make him into a Guardian.


End file.
